Relationships and Sex Education – communicating God’s good design for marriage, sex and relationships

Relationships, sex and health education (RSHE) in schools has been the topic of much debate in recent years. There has been concern about the content of many resources used by schools and about the increasing numbers of outside agencies teaching highly inappropriate material.¹

Many parents are also rightly concerned about the increasing sexualisation of our society and the exposure of children to social media and porn. They want to protect their children and warn them of the dangers they may face.

Children are being exposed to harmful ideologies and a worldview that is not just unbiblical but is in direct opposition to the Christian worldview especially with regard to relationships, marriage and sex.

How should we respond to all of this as churches, parents and teachers?

In the past many churches did not address these topics, or if they did, they did so in such a vague or confusing way that it could be interpreted as affirming all or any views. This left a vacuum that has been filled with a secular, unbiblical worldview. There is a very real danger that, in rightly seeking to be loving and accepting of all people and being a place that shows Jesus’ love, we neglect the truth. And it is not loving to leave people unsure of the truth, to allow people to embark on or continue in sinful and harmful behaviours and not have the opportunity to repent and follow God’s ways.

We are now in a situation where, in too many churches, the congregations, and especially the children, have little idea of a biblical worldview. And even if they do know what the Bible says about sex and marriage, they may not believe that what it says is good or applicable to today’s society.

For those who do seek to teach the truth, there are significant challenges. Given the current environment, children need the help of clear teaching that acknowledges the God-given sensitivity of the subject. We need to teach the reality of sinful desires and the seriousness of sexual sin, whilst holding out the hand of forgiveness for those who are struggling.  We also need to guard against the temptation to give children too much information in an effort to pre-empt what they hear and see in society.

In the light of these challenges, Affinity member Lovewise has prepared presentations on the subjects of marriage, sex and relationships from a Christian perspective to help parents, youth groups and schools.

As I have been mulling over different approaches to sex education, it struck me that, although most people know the desired ‘destination’ for their children, they don’t always know how to get there.

The destination

Our ultimate hope for our children in this life (their destination) is that they will know and love the Lord Jesus and that they will live joyful, godly lives of service for Him. For most children, that will involve getting married at some point and most will have their own children. They will serve the Lord as husbands/wives/parents, whilst others have an equally important role to serve God as single people.

Marriage and families are the building blocks of society. We know that not everyone will get married or have children but a majority will – and marriage is God’s foundation for family life. Every one of us has a father and a mother (regardless of whether we live with them or not) and there is a vast amount of evidence that children do better in almost every measure when they are raised living with both biological parents.

Marriage on earth is designed by God to be a signpost towards something far greater and eternal – the marriage described in Revelation where the Church is adorned as a bride for her bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ.

The starting point

There is a danger that, because we are concerned about all that is going on in the world and because we ourselves are soaked in a secular world view, we begin in the wrong place.

We live in a post-truth society where people do not generally believe in absolute truth, where individual feelings are considered to determine reality rather than objective and observable truth. Whilst it is important that we understand the world our children are living in and find ways to engage with them we need to be careful not to do so in a way that might present God’s word as simply an alternate truth that they can choose to believe in or not. We must begin with the truth of God’s Word.

The direction

As well as knowing the destination and starting in the right place, we also need to head in the right direction. Even a tiny movement in the wrong direction could lead to ending up in totally the wrong destination. We could end up in Japan instead of Australia!

We need to be continually checking against the truth of the Bible to ensure that it is God’s word that is setting the direction, rather than having it set by our own thoughts and feelings or the culture around us.

Where things might go wrong

Though we may accept biblical orthodoxy, we may still be prone to making practical errors in our approach. In themselves, these may seem insignificant – but they may lead to unintended consequences or departure from truth.

1. Focus on ‘me‘

The big question everyone is asking is ‘who am I?’ and the message in society is that to be happy you need to ‘be yourself’. It is all too easy to get caught up in this and take the focus away from who God is and that the only way to understand ourselves is as those created by Him, to glorify Him.

2. Naming intimate body parts

Increasing numbers of people advocate for teaching even very young children proper names for their external and internal genitalia in the (unevidenced) belief that this will protect them from abuse.² In my view, there are significant problems with this approach. Firstly, it normalises talking about parts of children’s bodies that are to be kept private (especially if done by teachers or adults other than a child’s parent): this could make them more vulnerable to abuse. Secondly, in the case of girls particularly, being encouraged to name parts they can’t even see can lead to confusion and misunderstanding.

3. The use of the phrase ‘young people‘

This term is often used collectively to refer to children above primary school age who tend not to like being referred to as children. However, I worry that its use makes it easy to forget that they are children until the age of 18. Teenagers are not adults and, although they need to be given a gradually increasing amount of freedom to make their own choices, they are still minors and need to be protected. Calling them young people can blur the boundary. There are increasing calls to ‘listen to the voice of young people’, with the sense of holding them up as experts who know more than the adults. Adult authority is increasingly brought into question.

4. Children are made responsible for protecting themselves

When children are taught the names of their body parts with the belief that this enables them to resist abuse or report abuse, in my view, this risks placing the responsibility for safeguarding onto them rather than on the adults around them. It should be the adults around them who are responsible for keeping them safe. In addition, when parental authority is undermined, the definition of abuse may become confused (children may view any boundaries and discipline as abusive) and children could be even more vulnerable.

5. Assumption that kids will be sexually intimate/watching porn

Teaching in school too often assumes that children will be sexually active and will access pornography and so harm should be reduced by teaching about ‘safe sex’ and ‘ethical pornography’. There is an emphasis on not being judgemental and not wanting children to feel bad if they are already engaging in these activities. In our Lovewise resources, we address these topics with clear biblical truth about the seriousness of sexual sin, holding out sexual purity as a realistic possibility in the strength of the Spirit. We also seek to make sure that young people are not afraid to admit their struggles or be honest when they mess up, holding out the sure hope of complete forgiveness through Christ. We need to help them realise that God’s ways are best, and following God will not mean they ‘miss out’, but will bring blessing and happiness in the long term.

6. Affirming same-sex attraction and gender identity

We have already thought about the fact that the big question in society is ‘Who am I?’ and, all too often, the answer involves gender identity and/or sexual attraction. Surveys and forms ask for name, DOB, nationality, gender identity and sexuality as standard. Even in Christian content, there may be references to LGBTQ+ people, suggesting that their sexual attraction or gender identity defines who they are. We are not defined by our feelings or our desires but by the truth of the way God made us (Gen. 1:27). Scripture tells us that our hearts are deceitful (Jer. 17:9) and that our sinful desires lead to sin (Jas. 1:14-15) unless we bring them to God.

There is increasing awareness that, in cases of gender dysphoria, affirming a person’s gender identity makes it more likely that they will persist in this identity.³ In the light of this and the current situation where even young children are being pressurised into declaring a sexual identity, we need to consider the potential effect of accepting a declared same-sex attraction. It is important to understand that children who are pre-pubertal or going through puberty can easily become confused between close friendships and sexual attraction, which can then cause them to identify as gay or bisexual. There is good evidence that sexual attraction is commonly fluid and not fixed⁴ and that, in some cases (just as with gender dysphoria), there may be environmental factors involved such as sexual or physical abuse. We need to be careful therefore about how and when we discuss sexual attraction and especially same-sex sexual attraction to avoid cementing feelings and desires that may change in the natural course of puberty and adolescence. We must leave room for the work of transformation by the Holy Spirit.

7. Avoiding talking about differences between men and women

In a society (and a church) where feminism has become ingrained and the term ‘masculinity’ is often viewed as synonymous with toxicity, we have become reluctant to talk about the differences between men and women. Children are growing up with the concept that men and women are entirely interchangeable – that women should be able to do anything a man can do and that men should be more like women.

There is also a fear that talking about the God-given differences in biology and roles between men and women will impose gender stereotypes and might lead children to question their gender if they do not fit the ‘typical’ male or female  profile. As a result, parents and churches can be afraid to teach about the goodness of the differences between male and female bodies and the amazing changes that occur during puberty to prepare children to become men and woman, potential fathers and mothers.

A Better Story – God’s good design

In response to a question about divorce from the Pharisees, Jesus reinforces God’s good design in creation by quoting from Genesis 1-2. This is where we too must start.

Matthew 19v4-6 says, “’Haven’t you read,’ [Jesus] replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’”

And Paul in Ephesians also quotes Genesis 2 to remind us that marriage is designed to point to the relationship between Christ and the Church: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (Eph. 5:31-32)

The Bible begins and ends with weddings – Adam and Eve in Genesis and the wonderful Bride of the Lamb in Revelation 21!

So how do we communicate this better story of God’s good design to our children?

1. Be convinced that God’s design is good – we will only be able to effectively communicate the goodness of God’s design when we understand it well ourselves and truly believe that all of God’s ways are good.
2. Model godly singleness, godly marriage and godly parenting – the single most important way our children will learn as they grow up is from the example of our lives. We need to be modelling lives that are based on Scripture and be open and honest about our struggles and about our need to repent and be forgiven. This is a responsibility of the whole church family – not just parents or church leaders. It is particularly important for children that parents prioritise their own walk with God and their marriage, providing role models for their children as they grow up.
3. Protect children from harmful influences when they are young – as adults, we need to take our responsibility for children very seriously. It is our duty to protect them from harmful and ungodly influences, instead to teach and train them in God’s ways. It is also important not to expose children to information about harmful things unnecessarily especially when they are too young to understand. If parents are spending time with their children mindful of what they might be exposed to, then issues can be addressed as needed.
4. Teach the goodness of God’s design – children need to be hearing the truths of scripture regularly from a very young age. Daily devotions with parents and good teaching at church are so important. Children need to grow up knowing the truth about God, especially that we are created by God and that all his ways are good. This forms a strong foundation for teaching about being male or female, marriage, sex and relationships as they grow up. Start simply and gradually add more details as they get older.  Lovewise have produced books for parents to share with children around the age of puberty (approximately 9-13) to help parents to do this. If parents start this conversation when the children are approaching puberty, it is much more likely their children will feel free to talk to them about more difficult issues when they are teenagers.
5. Allow space for questions and discussion – it is crucial that as children get older they feel able to ask questions and to discuss topics around relationships and sex. Use opportunities that arise to talk about what happens around us and, in the media, and compare that to the goodness of God’s design – so that children grow up understanding that being a Christian means living differently to the world around us. Children need to feel that they can talk to their parents about anything without fear of being shut down or made to feel wrong just for questioning something and parents need to be available for these opportunities to arise.

There is so much more we could say but it is my prayer that these thoughts will help us all in our own homes and churches to prepare the next generation to embrace God’s ways and experience his blessing.

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1. See https://lovewise.org.uk/blog/christian-teaching-on-marriageabsolutely-vital-in-the-face-of-sexualisation-of-children ↩︎
2. See https://www.diverseeducators.co.uk/how-do-we-decide-when-to-teach-the-names-of-private-parts-in-primary-school/ ↩︎
3. See https://www.transgendertrend.com/children-change-minds/ ↩︎
4. See https://psych.utah.edu/_resources/documents/people/diamond/Sexual%20Fluidity%20in%20Males%20and%20Females.pdf ↩︎